Aisan Guy: “If I go over sea to Asia or Japan an stuff like that will I be able to send an receive email?”
m!Lk: “Yes”
m!Lk: “Unless they are blocking you from talking to states, China may but not 100% sure”
Aisan Guy: “Oh Thailand is not in China it is in Japan”
m!Lk: “…..”

So a lot has happened since I last up dated the website. Some of this has taken place when I was updating the website but most of it I could not really post until now. Jabba and Beavis no longer work for the company. Beavis “resigned” from the company about a year ago and Jabba “resigned” a few months back. There will be a story on the lead up and the “resigning” of Beavis but it will take me some time to write it up without getting into trouble. So now that you have a little back story on what has happened, let’s get on to the good stuff….

A few days after Jabba “resigned” from the company she announced that Beavis and she would be getting married. When I found this out I went nuts. These two getting married is the start of Idiocracy (If you have not seen the movie, do yourself a favor and get it). They then moved in together and started to plan out their wedding. Jabba would IM me and give me updates or come up to the office and talk about their wedding plans. I had hoped that they would just brake up for the 50th time and all of this would be out the window and humanity would be saved but it seemed as if we were all doomed.

Shit…

The wedding inched forward and they started to send out wedding invitations. I would receive Emails and IMs from her on a daily basis asking for my home address and what I wanted to eat at the wedding, I never responded. So she did the next best thing, she hunted me down on Facebook and sent me friend invites in hope to gather the information from myself or someone on my friends list. It got to the point that she was sending me a few invites a day and I had to block her on Facebook. Then to top it off Beavis started sending me emails.

Then it happened, she sent the invitations to my place of employment. When I was given mine I looked at the envelope and then looked up at the person giving me the invitation and said “Why” and then placed it in my garbage interment unit. It seems that this is not an action that people like to see. So the person handing them out was in aww and just walked away.

So the day before the wedding, when everything is paid for, everything is planned out to the T, and her family has flown in from all over…he calls off the wedding. Jabba is devastated. She cancels her Facebook account; she cuts off all communications with people outside of her family. She has completely shut herself down.

Play for full effect of sadness

—

Word finds its way to the office and we are all told that the wedding is off. Everyone is a little sad that this has happen so close to the wedding date, even myself. I could not understand why anyone would do this to someone but I am sure he has his reasons but I was unsure of why. A few days go by and I receive an IM from Jabba. I asked her how she was and how she was holding up. She tells me that she is having a hard time dealing with all of this but she will make it through this and it will make her stronger, or some shit like that. I ask her why Beavis did this and she told me that it was due to his psycho mom feeding his head with lies about marriage and this scared him so he called it off.

The next day Jabba comes into the office with food that was meant for the wedding and sits down to talk with some of us. Jabba goes on to tell her sad, sad story and how he hurt her and how bad of a person Beavis is. Everyone in the office just feels bad for her and hates Beavis for what he has done. Jabba also starts up her Facebook account and starts her pity party.

The other day she happens to stop by the office to chat with some of us. Jabba stops by my little area and we start talking about how she is doing. Jabba tells me that she has moved back in with her parents and is still looking for a new job. Jabba then goes on to tell me how no one wants to date her and blah blah blah. I kind of black out from not caring when my boss walks into the office and starts to question why she is even here. My boss goes on to ask her if she is still seeing Beavis. Jabba responds with “not really, we still talk though”. We then give her shit about even talking with the little fucker and she plays it off.

I had a feeling that she was hiding something about Beavis and herself but was not sure what it was so I waited until my boss took off and started questioning her. Lucky for me she is about as smart as a fucking rock and it did not take me long to find out her little secret.

Jabba: You have to promises not tell anyone.

m!Lk: Who am I going to tell? The internet? Not like I have a website setup for me to tell stories about you or something…

Jabba: The reason why he left me a day before our wedding was because I slept with his brother.

m!Lk: I am sorry what?

Jabba: I slept with his brother…

m!Lk: Then you deserved what you got.

*Her body language and facial expressions go from “poor me” to “sock and aww”*

m!Lk: How could you just sleep with his brother?

Jabba: It just happened.

m!Lk: It just don’t “happen”, you where not bending over nude somewhere and he just fell in. I mean that has happened with half-breed and me, but I digress.

*At this point I am pissed and done with Jabba so I try to make her so uncomfortable that she leaves and Half-Breed picks up on this*

Half-Breed: Yea but only the tip.

m!Lk: Yea, we played just the tip but no shaft. Never the shaft…ever.

Jabba: I don’t know, it just happened.

m!Lk: Right, cool story.

Jabba: Ok, well I am going up stairs. I will see you both later.

m!Lk: Sure thing.

So this worthless increment of human waste went around playing this pity party for herself and making Beavis look like the bad guy when it was her doing that ending this wedding. Keep in mind I don’t like Beavis and I really, really think that he should have been a blow job but I feel bad for the kid. No one deserves that. So the moral of this story is that if you want to have kids, you should be forced to take an I.Q. test first. If this was put into place stuff like this would not happen.

Before I get into this story there are a few things you need to know about the CEO of the company I work for. The owner of the company (we will call him The Owner) is a real easy going person and seems to care about his employees. Everyday he comes in and does a walk around on the floor to see how everyone is doing . Now keep in mind he is the type of person you can walk up to and let him know how you feel about something and he will take it to heart and try to make it right, if the issues have cause. I have never seen this man mad about anything in the two years I have been here, and he has never been unwilling to lend you his ear. Now just because you can go to him about anything does not mean you should. I normally will not go to him about anything without going to my boss first. This is common sense for anyone or so I would think….

Its around 8am on a Monday morning and I am in a good mood but little did I know my day was about to get allot better. My boss walks up to me and says “Hey, did Beavis call you at all this weekend?”. Well it so happen Beavis did and it was over something stupid that he should have know how to deal with. Now some time has gone by and I forgot what the phone call was about but I told him he should know how to deal with something like this and that he was bothering me. I went ahead and told him how to deal with whatever the problem was and went on with my life. I told my boss this and he responded with “OK, well he called The Owner over the weekend asking him to come in on a Saturday to talk about employee relations. Have you been messing around with him at all that would have pissed him off?” I told him “Do you have to ask that?”. He then tasked me to try finding out what I could so we could get ready for what ever this dip-shit was about to try and pull.

So I started to IM Jabba to find out all I could about what was going on before Beavis came in the next day. Well Jabba would not give in so easily after a few minutes of asking, so I gave up and moved on with my life. Well the next day my Boss asked me if I had found out what was going on and I told him that I could not get anything out of her and that I was going to try again. So I sent Jabba a IM again asking her what happen. Well it went a little like this…

m!Lk: So why did Beavis call The Owner over the weekend?

Jabba: I told you I am not going to say

m!Lk: Oh come on, we want to know why he would call The Owner over the weekend and ask him to come in.

Jabba: I cant tell you, you will think its stupid.

m!Lk: As I am sure it is stupid but that is not the point here. I want to know why.

Jabba: You promise not to tell anyone?

m!Lk: Who would I tell?

Jabba: OK, but you cant laugh.

m!Lk: Oh this should be good.

Jabba: I don’t think I should tell you, Beavis will get mad.

m!Lk: Who gives a shit, tell me.

Jabba: Beavis had….you sure your not going to say anything?

m!Lk: Dear god woman tell me.

Jabba: Fine, Beavis had a bad Dream and called The Owner to come in and talk about it.

m!Lk: Your shitting me right?

Jadda: Nope

At this point I am in tears, everyone in the office could hear me laughing. I was laughing so hard I got lightheaded and about passed out.

Jabba: OMG. shut up. You said you would not laugh.

m!Lk: How could I not, he asked The Owner…the CEO of this company to come in on a weekend to talk about a fucking dream. Do you not see the problem here?

Jabba: No, I think he should talk to him about this.

m!Lk: Right…anyway what was the dream about?

Keep in mind I am still laughing over this and my boss pipes up and comes over and asked me what is going on. I point to my screen and have him read what was said. He has to stop himself from laughing and just walks away and runs outside.

Jabba: No, I am not telling you. You will think its stupid.

m!Lk: More stupid than what I think it is now?

Jabba: I have to get back to work now.

So I walk outside and my boss is on the phone with his wife telling her about this and tells me to come over to him.

Boss: Did she tell you what the dream was about yet?

m!Lk: No, I think I pissed her off.

Beavis pulls up into the parking lot

Boss: Say nothing, and quit laughing damn it, he is here. No really stop.

m!Lk: I don’t think I can.

Boss: Hurry go back inside I don’t need him to see you laughing like this.

So Beavis comes in and sits down and I am in tears. It is taking everything I have in me to not bust out laughing at him. Well he just happens to see me laughing and starts laughing with me and then asked me what is so funny. I tell him it was some stupid joke someone told me then got up and left my desk. I go to the bathroom and pull myself together and walk back to my desk. Well my boss walks up taps me on the shoulder and points outside. So I get up and go outside with him. Now one more thing you need to know about The Owner, he always parks in the back of the building. I have never seen him park up front since I have been there, and my boss has never seen him park up front since he has been there (My boss has been there a long ass time).

Boss: I called The Owner and told him the reason Beavis called him over the weekend.

m!Lk: What did he say.

Boss: I can’t tell you that.

m!Lk: That good huh?

Boss: Anyway The Owner is here right now but do you see his car?

m!Lk: No I don’t, where did he park?

Boss: He parked up front then sneaked into his office and shut the door so no one would know he was here.

m!Lk: *Laughs* He is hiding from him?

Boss: *Laughs* Yea, he is. Have you found out what the dream was about?

m!Lk: Not yet let me go find out.

So I walk back to my desk and start IMing Jabba trying to find out what the dream was about.

m!Lk: Hey, I have to know what the dream was about. Tell me please.

Jabba: No

m!Lk: Oh come on you can tell me.

Jabba: OK, but you cant laugh this time he is here and I don’t want him to find out.

m!Lk: OK, no laughing.

Jabba: He had a bad dream about your boss and my boss firing him and he wanted to talk to The Owner about it. He felt that it was a sign of bad luck and wanted to make sure he was not going to be fired.

I start laughing again

m!Lk: Wow, was he dropped allot?

Jabba: That’s not nice, but yes he is not that bright.

m!Lk: I think I would use a lot stronger word than that.

I am still laughing. Beavis turns around after he got off the phone and once again starts laughing with me and asked me what I was laughing about. I told him it was the same joke I was laughing at before and I would tell him later.

Jabba: Stop laughing he is going to find out.

I walk over to my boss and whispered this in his ear…

m!Lk: He had a dream that you and the VP of sales got together and fired him.

Boss: You have to be joking me.

m!Lk: I think we need to fire him right now, the little fucker is physic.

He then placed his head on the desk and started to laugh

Now I don’t know if they ever talked about it or not. I just know that day The Owner did not make his normal rounds to everyone and ask them how they were. Now that I think about it I did not see him for about a week.  I do know Beavis got up and went to The Owner’s office and would come back and ask me if I had seem The Owner and I would just tell him no. I don’t know what part of his brain told him that it would be a good idea to ask the CEO of the company to come in on a Saturday to talk about a dream but all I know is it takes brass balls or a very low IQ to pull a stunt like that.

Update: Was just told from an undisclosed individual that it was demons in the building that were influencing them to fire him.

Yea I peed a little….only a little.

Yes I have a few story’s in the work but have not had time to get them completed all the way but I should have one really good one out this week. This story is by far my favorite one to tell people.

Also wanted to share an email I received from a friend who forwarded an email he receive from his wife.

“with the kind of morning i’ve had & thoughts of setting people on fire i thought i’d go read your friend’s blog to cheer me up & you know what… it helped! LOL i’ve made note never to put kitties in my signature & going to bass pro shop is not a good idea unless we’re crazy enough to endure camping again. LOL please pass along my thanks to m!Lk for brightening my day & tell him to keep the stories coming! they are much needed on days like today!!!”

This kind of makes me feel warm inside but then I just remind myself about how awesome I am. No but really, this is the reason I created this site, to make people laugh and try to make their life a little more livable. Its always nice to know that  there are people out there in the world that make life a little more entertaining by being dumb as a rock.

I was looking for a email I wanted to post to one of the story’s that I am in the processes of writing when I came across this little gem that Jabba had sent to me when I was training her how to use some of the programs we use and to help her setup Outlook. Well this is the email she had sent to me asking if she could use this signature for her emails. Keep in mind she has to send emails to some of our biggest clients to give them status updates on what ever they have requested us to do for them.

*Note: Yes this really is the email she sent to me but I had to change names and hide some information you don’t need to know….*

and this is why you dont drop your babys....

If you can not tell, the little things are cats, yes cats. The dumb-ass wanted to put little cats in a professional email that our clients would see. I told her “no, I do not think that would be a good idea” and she asked me “why”. I then told her to talk to her boss about it and that was the last I ever heard anything about it and she has been using the company provided signature since then.

There is a BassPro Shop that has been open for around a year now. I have never been inside of this place due to the fact I have never needed a reason to. Well this weekend that changed and I was on the hunt for a spill proof coffee cup. Now I am sure you are asking yourself why I would need such a thing, and I will happily answer that question. The company I work for has moved all of the IT department to a new building that is more friendly for a NOC (Network Operation Center) environment. They seem to think that we are all little kids and have a hard time not knocking over our drinks like some little 5 year old kid hyped up on sugar. So they have requested that all drinks be in spill proof cups or as I like to call them adult sippy cups. Well I have been searching for one for a few weeks now so I can drink my coffee in the morning so I don’t  tell customers how much I would like to pull them through the phone and beat them with my adult sippy cup.

So I have been to all the normal places to look for one but have yet to find anything remotely like what I want. So the wife tells me we should stop by BassPro shop and look, seeing how they have a ton of camping gear they may have something I am looking for. We pull up to this big ass building that looks like a log cabin and get out of the car. As we start to walk down the sidewalk to the door, I look down to see animal tracks in the cement of the sidewalk. This is where I should have stopped and turned around and went home but no, lord no my dumb-ass keeps walking and like a blabbering moron I start naming off the animal tracks I see. We walk in and it was like redneck heaven, deer hunting crap every where, deer heads on the wall, fishing gear out the ass, mounted bass on the wall, fake animal tracks all over the floor and in the back was a big ass fish tank with all kinds of fish in it.

The first thing my wife says is “you should try the fudge here its really good” so we head over to the little food store they have there and it had all kinds of odd shit but the one thing that made me stop and ask  “why?” was some of Jeff Foxworthy’s BBQ marinade sauce. I shit you not, they had this crap in stock. So if you love Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy you will love his marinade sauce… Anyway so we get some fudge and I get some of this salsa they had and we continue to walk around BassPro Shop. We start to walk past this fish tank and there is a family of what I would think to have been inbred rednecks standing in aww at this big fish tank. All I could think was this was a family outing for them and it was a big deal going to the near by BassPro Shop. So I am only guessing the day started off like this for them:

Redneck Dad: Hay yeh, you wants to go to that there BassPro shop and stare at the magic window that holds fish in? Pa needs him some new deer piss in a bottle anyway.

Redneck Kid1: I sure would Pa

Redneck Kid2: Ye-ha Pa I will round up the others

Redneck Ki3: Sounds good Pa

Redneck Kid4: Ye-ha

Redneck Kid5: Idiocracy was a movie about our life

Reneck Kid6: I will tell Ant-Ma

Reneck Kid7: Sounds delightful father (The smart one)

Reneck Kid8: gargle gargle gargle (The inbred kid that went wrong)

Redneck Kid9: Me go, me like, you no like me when me angry

Then I am sure it was like a scene out of the Beverly Hillbillies with granny in tow.

So we walk up the stairs where they had all the camping gear at and they had a laser rifle range setup to look like you were hunting and you can shoot at fake deer, rabbits, wolfs and all kinds of other animals. People where standing around shooting at things that did not move and blow air out of some random hole in the animal once you hit them. We walked passed one redneck family and the husband is explaining to the wife/sister on how to hunt and shoot the fake animals…really? They do not move and on top of that they are fake, how much explanation do you need? Point, pull, watch it blow air out of its ass and call it a day, thats it.

Well we moved on to the coffee cups and like normal they don’t have anything like what I want so I ask one of their floor sales men if they have anymore stock of coffee cups in the store and all he could say was “Oh, I dont know. I only know shoes.” It seems knowing anything other than shoes was way to much of a task for his brain to grasp. So we head down to leave the store and all I could think was this is my hell, if I die tomorrow and go to hell (like everyone tells me I will) I would get stuck in a BassPro Shop for all of eternity and they will play nothing but country music over the PA and I will slowly slip into madness.

Okay, here is some information you will need to know before I tell this story about Clindos. First off he is around 6’5 330lbs of “dear god please don’t rape me”. As you can tell he is a vary large guy, me on the other hand am around 6 feet 240ish, so I am not a small guy just not as big as Clindos. Well as you can tell from my past story’s I like to fuck around with everyone, even more so with my friends.

Okay, with that out of the way let me tell you about his personalty. He is a good hearted guy, who cares about everyone…he thinks he is a fucking druid or something. I have only seen this guy really pissed off once in the 3 or so years I have been hanging around with him. Also I think he is borderline gay.

Vince, Clindos, and myself all go to some place called Cheddars to get some food and grab some beers before we head back to class. Vince orders a Budweiser, I order a Corona and Clindos orders an Apple Martini. Well 2mins later the waiter comes back with our beers but tells Clindos that the bartender is “putting the finishing touches” on his drink and the waiter walks away. Clindos then reports to us that this place makes really good Apple Martini’s but he thinks the bartender is gay. As I am sure you guessed by now Vince and myself are making fun of Clindos on how gay he is. Well finally the bartender came over with his drink. Now let me stop here to describe the bartender. He looked like a cross from “The Crying Game” and “Brokeback Mountain” (I have never seen Brokeback Mountain but Clindos has and he said it was a “Touching Movie”. Now The Crying Game I will have to go into another time).

The bartender looks at Clindos and says “Do you like your Appletini’s sweet?”. Clindos response with “Yes I do, why?”, then the bartender licks the rim of the glass and says “there now its sweet”. Vince and myself are at a lost of words, how you could do something like that to someone that is this big and looks like he could pick you up and yell “Clindos smash” and then end your life. Now at this point we are thinking Clindos is about to go nuts and just are kicking the shit out of this clown but he doesn’t, he says thank you and drinks it. We asked him why he would drink it after someone just licked the rim of his drink and Clindos says “he seemed like a nice guy and I wanted my Appletini”.

Now Clindos likes to play it off like this never happen but I like to tell this story to random people we meet, I get the feeling by the death treats I receive from him that he does not like it when I do that.

m!Lk: Hay, you know this guy let a gay dude lick the rim of his Appletini?

Random Person: What?

m!Lk: Yea, some random flaming gay bartender asked him if he liked his Appletinis sweet then licked the rim of the glass and this big fuck drank it.

Clindos: I will end you m!Lk.

m!Lk: What if I had a Appletine and licked the rim would you drink it and let me live?

Clindos: I hate you.

*On a side note, I have no problem with homosexuals and I feel the same way about them as I feel about black people. You should have at least one who is your friend so you can always say “oh yea I got nothing on (insert race and or sexuality here), one of my best friends is (insert race and or sexuality here)”.*

Here are a few things that were said to me over the last few days by Beavis and Jabba and Army.

Beavis: Hay m!Lk, we should go out mudding in your Jeep.

m!Lk: No

Beavis: ahh why not. The wheels are round and bouncy like rubber.

m!Lk: Like rubber?

————————————————————————————-

Beavis: Monkeys are awesome!

Jabba: Yea, monkeys have brown eyes like me!

m!Lk: Wow

————————————————————————————

One of our  IT admins (We will call her Boots)walked around and setup a new rule to lock or screens after 15mins of no activity so we would have to re-log back in, now keep in mind Beavis and myself both worth in IT and this is what he said….

Beavis: Why are they doing this?

m!Lk: People are stupid and leaving their PCs unlocked over night.

Beavis: So?

m!Lk: Well, there is information that we don’t want people to get their hands on.

Beavis: Oh, so what happens after 15mins?

m!Lk: Really…..? Okay never-mind. It will lock your PC and you will have to re-log in.

Beavis: Oh, so what password do I use?

m!Lk: Wow, ummm go ask Boots.

Beavis: OK.

15mins Later….

Beavis: Boots told me to go away. So what password do I use? The one I normally use?

m!Lk: *laughs* Yea, that would be the one.

Beavis: Oh

————————————————————————————

OK I come in on Sunday to work my shift and find that it is a little hot over in our work area. I look up at the vent and find that Beavis had put tape over the air duck. So I ripped it down and left it on his desk. Well a few days later I get to have this conversation….

Jabba: Was it hot over the weekend m!Lk?

*Keep in mind I am working on a project and are balls deep into it so I don’t really put two and two together*

m!Lk: Yea I guess.

Jabba: Well, I saw that you took down the tap over the air vent. You know Beavis gets really cold over here and gets sick.

m!Lk: And I should care because?

Jadda: Well someone is in a grumpy mode.

m!Lk: No your just bothering me with things I don’t care about. That air duck supplies air to this area and I don’t see why we have to suffer because he “gets sick”.

Jadda: I will just go tell the owner of the company then.

Yep she went to go tattle on me.

———————————————————————————–

OK let me tell you a little bit about Army. He is ex-Army (as I am sure you could guess by the name), he is normally a really nice guy and I talk to him just about every day. Now he tells me stories about what Beavis says to him and how stupid he is. This one has to be the best one he has told me. Oh and on a side note you will need to know he is black or you will not get the last part of it.

Army: Yea, something is wrong with that boy.

m!Lk: You have no idea.

Army: Oh did I tell you he asked me if I had a monkey?

m!Lk: *laugh* What?

Army: Yea, he said he had some bananas for it.

m!Lk: *laugh* WTF, I would have pulled the race card on that.

Jabba: Hay Beavis, we should go skydiving.

Beavis: Yea, I have done it and it was allot of fun.

Jabba: We should plan out a weekend and go. Maybe we can even take m!Lk. Hay m!Lk, you want to go skydiving with us?

m!Lk: Will both of you be wearing a working parachute?

Beavis: *Laughs* Well yea.

m!Lk: Then no…

Jabba: That’s not very nice.

And yet another attempt to let them know just how much I hate both of them and yet they still don’t get it.