I was looking for a email I wanted to post to one of the story’s that I am in the processes of writing when I came across this little gem that Jabba had sent to me when I was training her how to use some of the programs we use and to help her setup Outlook. Well this is the email she had sent to me asking if she could use this signature for her emails. Keep in mind she has to send emails to some of our biggest clients to give them status updates on what ever they have requested us to do for them.

*Note: Yes this really is the email she sent to me but I had to change names and hide some information you don’t need to know….*

If you can not tell, the little things are cats, yes cats. The dumb-ass wanted to put little cats in a professional email that our clients would see. I told her “no, I do not think that would be a good idea” and she asked me “why”. I then told her to talk to her boss about it and that was the last I ever heard anything about it and she has been using the company provided signature since then.

There is a BassPro Shop that has been open for around a year now. I have never been inside of this place due to the fact I have never needed a reason to. Well this weekend that changed and I was on the hunt for a spill proof coffee cup. Now I am sure you are asking yourself why I would need such a thing, and I will happily answer that question. The company I work for has moved all of the IT department to a new building that is more friendly for a NOC (Network Operation Center) environment. They seem to think that we are all little kids and have a hard time not knocking over our drinks like some little 5 year old kid hyped up on sugar. So they have requested that all drinks be in spill proof cups or as I like to call them adult sippy cups. Well I have been searching for one for a few weeks now so I can drink my coffee in the morning so I don’t  tell customers how much I would like to pull them through the phone and beat them with my adult sippy cup.

So I have been to all the normal places to look for one but have yet to find anything remotely like what I want. So the wife tells me we should stop by BassPro shop and look, seeing how they have a ton of camping gear they may have something I am looking for. We pull up to this big ass building that looks like a log cabin and get out of the car. As we start to walk down the sidewalk to the door, I look down to see animal tracks in the cement of the sidewalk. This is where I should have stopped and turned around and went home but no, lord no my dumb-ass keeps walking and like a blabbering moron I start naming off the animal tracks I see. We walk in and it was like redneck heaven, deer hunting crap every where, deer heads on the wall, fishing gear out the ass, mounted bass on the wall, fake animal tracks all over the floor and in the back was a big ass fish tank with all kinds of fish in it.

The first thing my wife says is “you should try the fudge here its really good” so we head over to the little food store they have there and it had all kinds of odd shit but the one thing that made me stop and ask  “why?” was some of Jeff Foxworthy’s BBQ marinade sauce. I shit you not, they had this crap in stock. So if you love Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy you will love his marinade sauce… Anyway so we get some fudge and I get some of this salsa they had and we continue to walk around BassPro Shop. We start to walk past this fish tank and there is a family of what I would think to have been inbred rednecks standing in aww at this big fish tank. All I could think was this was a family outing for them and it was a big deal going to the near by BassPro Shop. So I am only guessing the day started off like this for them:

Redneck Dad: Hay yeh, you wants to go to that there BassPro shop and stare at the magic window that holds fish in? Pa needs him some new deer piss in a bottle anyway.

Redneck Kid1: I sure would Pa

Redneck Kid2: Ye-ha Pa I will round up the others

Redneck Ki3: Sounds good Pa

Redneck Kid4: Ye-ha

Redneck Kid5: Idiocracy was a movie about our life

Reneck Kid6: I will tell Ant-Ma

Reneck Kid7: Sounds delightful father (The smart one)

Reneck Kid8: gargle gargle gargle (The inbred kid that went wrong)

Redneck Kid9: Me go, me like, you no like me when me angry

Then I am sure it was like a scene out of the Beverly Hillbillies with granny in tow.

So we walk up the stairs where they had all the camping gear at and they had a laser rifle range setup to look like you were hunting and you can shoot at fake deer, rabbits, wolfs and all kinds of other animals. People where standing around shooting at things that did not move and blow air out of some random hole in the animal once you hit them. We walked passed one redneck family and the husband is explaining to the wife/sister on how to hunt and shoot the fake animals…really? They do not move and on top of that they are fake, how much explanation do you need? Point, pull, watch it blow air out of its ass and call it a day, thats it.

Well we moved on to the coffee cups and like normal they don’t have anything like what I want so I ask one of their floor sales men if they have anymore stock of coffee cups in the store and all he could say was “Oh, I dont know. I only know shoes.” It seems knowing anything other than shoes was way to much of a task for his brain to grasp. So we head down to leave the store and all I could think was this is my hell, if I die tomorrow and go to hell (like everyone tells me I will) I would get stuck in a BassPro Shop for all of eternity and they will play nothing but country music over the PA and I will slowly slip into madness.

Okay, here is some information you will need to know before I tell this story about Clindos. First off he is around 6’5 330lbs of “dear god please don’t rape me”. As you can tell he is a vary large guy, me on the other hand am around 6 feet 240ish, so I am not a small guy just not as big as Clindos. Well as you can tell from my past story’s I like to fuck around with everyone, even more so with my friends.

Okay, with that out of the way let me tell you about his personalty. He is a good hearted guy, who cares about everyone…he thinks he is a fucking druid or something. I have only seen this guy really pissed off once in the 3 or so years I have been hanging around with him. Also I think he is borderline gay.

Vince, Clindos, and myself all go to some place called Cheddars to get some food and grab some beers before we head back to class. Vince orders a Budweiser, I order a Corona and Clindos orders an Apple Martini. Well 2mins later the waiter comes back with our beers but tells Clindos that the bartender is “putting the finishing touches” on his drink and the waiter walks away. Clindos then reports to us that this place makes really good Apple Martini’s but he thinks the bartender is gay. As I am sure you guessed by now Vince and myself are making fun of Clindos on how gay he is. Well finally the bartender came over with his drink. Now let me stop here to describe the bartender. He looked like a cross from “The Crying Game” and “Brokeback Mountain” (I have never seen Brokeback Mountain but Clindos has and he said it was a “Touching Movie”. Now The Crying Game I will have to go into another time).

The bartender looks at Clindos and says “Do you like your Appletini’s sweet?”. Clindos response with “Yes I do, why?”, then the bartender licks the rim of the glass and says “there now its sweet”. Vince and myself are at a lost of words, how you could do something like that to someone that is this big and looks like he could pick you up and yell “Clindos smash” and then end your life. Now at this point we are thinking Clindos is about to go nuts and just are kicking the shit out of this clown but he doesn’t, he says thank you and drinks it. We asked him why he would drink it after someone just licked the rim of his drink and Clindos says “he seemed like a nice guy and I wanted my Appletini”.

Now Clindos likes to play it off like this never happen but I like to tell this story to random people we meet, I get the feeling by the death treats I receive from him that he does not like it when I do that.

m!Lk: Hay, you know this guy let a gay dude lick the rim of his Appletini?

Random Person: What?

m!Lk: Yea, some random flaming gay bartender asked him if he liked his Appletinis sweet then licked the rim of the glass and this big fuck drank it.

Clindos: I will end you m!Lk.

m!Lk: What if I had a Appletine and licked the rim would you drink it and let me live?

Clindos: I hate you.

*On a side note, I have no problem with homosexuals and I feel the same way about them as I feel about black people. You should have at least one who is your friend so you can always say “oh yea I got nothing on (insert race and or sexuality here), one of my best friends is (insert race and or sexuality here)”.*

Here are a few things that were said to me over the last few days by Beavis and Jabba and Army.

Beavis: Hay m!Lk, we should go out mudding in your Jeep.

m!Lk: No

Beavis: ahh why not. The wheels are round and bouncy like rubber.

m!Lk: Like rubber?

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Beavis: Monkeys are awesome!

Jabba: Yea, monkeys have brown eyes like me!

m!Lk: Wow

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One of our  IT admins (We will call her Boots)walked around and setup a new rule to lock or screens after 15mins of no activity so we would have to re-log back in, now keep in mind Beavis and myself both worth in IT and this is what he said….

Beavis: Why are they doing this?

m!Lk: People are stupid and leaving their PCs unlocked over night.

Beavis: So?

m!Lk: Well, there is information that we don’t want people to get their hands on.

Beavis: Oh, so what happens after 15mins?

m!Lk: Really…..? Okay never-mind. It will lock your PC and you will have to re-log in.

Beavis: Oh, so what password do I use?

m!Lk: Wow, ummm go ask Boots.

Beavis: OK.

15mins Later….

Beavis: Boots told me to go away. So what password do I use? The one I normally use?

m!Lk: *laughs* Yea, that would be the one.

Beavis: Oh

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OK I come in on Sunday to work my shift and find that it is a little hot over in our work area. I look up at the vent and find that Beavis had put tape over the air duck. So I ripped it down and left it on his desk. Well a few days later I get to have this conversation….

Jabba: Was it hot over the weekend m!Lk?

*Keep in mind I am working on a project and are balls deep into it so I don’t really put two and two together*

m!Lk: Yea I guess.

Jabba: Well, I saw that you took down the tap over the air vent. You know Beavis gets really cold over here and gets sick.

m!Lk: And I should care because?

Jadda: Well someone is in a grumpy mode.

m!Lk: No your just bothering me with things I don’t care about. That air duck supplies air to this area and I don’t see why we have to suffer because he “gets sick”.

Jadda: I will just go tell the owner of the company then.

Yep she went to go tattle on me.

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OK let me tell you a little bit about Army. He is ex-Army (as I am sure you could guess by the name), he is normally a really nice guy and I talk to him just about every day. Now he tells me stories about what Beavis says to him and how stupid he is. This one has to be the best one he has told me. Oh and on a side note you will need to know he is black or you will not get the last part of it.

Army: Yea, something is wrong with that boy.

m!Lk: You have no idea.

Army: Oh did I tell you he asked me if I had a monkey?

m!Lk: *laugh* What?

Army: Yea, he said he had some bananas for it.

m!Lk: *laugh* WTF, I would have pulled the race card on that.