There is a BassPro Shop that has been open for around a year now. I have never been inside of this place due to the fact I have never needed a reason to. Well this weekend that changed and I was on the hunt for a spill proof coffee cup. Now I am sure you are asking yourself why I would need such a thing, and I will happily answer that question. The company I work for has moved all of the IT department to a new building that is more friendly for a NOC (Network Operation Center) environment. They seem to think that we are all little kids and have a hard time not knocking over our drinks like some little 5 year old kid hyped up on sugar. So they have requested that all drinks be in spill proof cups or as I like to call them adult sippy cups. Well I have been searching for one for a few weeks now so I can drink my coffee in the morning so I don’t  tell customers how much I would like to pull them through the phone and beat them with my adult sippy cup.

So I have been to all the normal places to look for one but have yet to find anything remotely like what I want. So the wife tells me we should stop by BassPro shop and look, seeing how they have a ton of camping gear they may have something I am looking for. We pull up to this big ass building that looks like a log cabin and get out of the car. As we start to walk down the sidewalk to the door, I look down to see animal tracks in the cement of the sidewalk. This is where I should have stopped and turned around and went home but no, lord no my dumb-ass keeps walking and like a blabbering moron I start naming off the animal tracks I see. We walk in and it was like redneck heaven, deer hunting crap every where, deer heads on the wall, fishing gear out the ass, mounted bass on the wall, fake animal tracks all over the floor and in the back was a big ass fish tank with all kinds of fish in it.

The first thing my wife says is “you should try the fudge here its really good” so we head over to the little food store they have there and it had all kinds of odd shit but the one thing that made me stop and ask  “why?” was some of Jeff Foxworthy’s BBQ marinade sauce. I shit you not, they had this crap in stock. So if you love Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy you will love his marinade sauce… Anyway so we get some fudge and I get some of this salsa they had and we continue to walk around BassPro Shop. We start to walk past this fish tank and there is a family of what I would think to have been inbred rednecks standing in aww at this big fish tank. All I could think was this was a family outing for them and it was a big deal going to the near by BassPro Shop. So I am only guessing the day started off like this for them:

Redneck Dad: Hay yeh, you wants to go to that there BassPro shop and stare at the magic window that holds fish in? Pa needs him some new deer piss in a bottle anyway.

Redneck Kid1: I sure would Pa

Redneck Kid2: Ye-ha Pa I will round up the others

Redneck Ki3: Sounds good Pa

Redneck Kid4: Ye-ha

Redneck Kid5: Idiocracy was a movie about our life

Reneck Kid6: I will tell Ant-Ma

Reneck Kid7: Sounds delightful father (The smart one)

Reneck Kid8: gargle gargle gargle (The inbred kid that went wrong)

Redneck Kid9: Me go, me like, you no like me when me angry

Then I am sure it was like a scene out of the Beverly Hillbillies with granny in tow.

So we walk up the stairs where they had all the camping gear at and they had a laser rifle range setup to look like you were hunting and you can shoot at fake deer, rabbits, wolfs and all kinds of other animals. People where standing around shooting at things that did not move and blow air out of some random hole in the animal once you hit them. We walked passed one redneck family and the husband is explaining to the wife/sister on how to hunt and shoot the fake animals…really? They do not move and on top of that they are fake, how much explanation do you need? Point, pull, watch it blow air out of its ass and call it a day, thats it.

Well we moved on to the coffee cups and like normal they don’t have anything like what I want so I ask one of their floor sales men if they have anymore stock of coffee cups in the store and all he could say was “Oh, I dont know. I only know shoes.” It seems knowing anything other than shoes was way to much of a task for his brain to grasp. So we head down to leave the store and all I could think was this is my hell, if I die tomorrow and go to hell (like everyone tells me I will) I would get stuck in a BassPro Shop for all of eternity and they will play nothing but country music over the PA and I will slowly slip into madness.