So a lot has happened since I last up dated the website. Some of this has taken place when I was updating the website but most of it I could not really post until now. Jabba and Beavis no longer work for the company. Beavis “resigned” from the company about a year ago and Jabba “resigned” a few months back. There will be a story on the lead up and the “resigning” of Beavis but it will take me some time to write it up without getting into trouble. So now that you have a little back story on what has happened, let’s get on to the good stuff….

A few days after Jabba “resigned” from the company she announced that Beavis and she would be getting married. When I found this out I went nuts. These two getting married is the start of Idiocracy (If you have not seen the movie, do yourself a favor and get it). They then moved in together and started to plan out their wedding. Jabba would IM me and give me updates or come up to the office and talk about their wedding plans. I had hoped that they would just brake up for the 50th time and all of this would be out the window and humanity would be saved but it seemed as if we were all doomed.

Shit…

The wedding inched forward and they started to send out wedding invitations. I would receive Emails and IMs from her on a daily basis asking for my home address and what I wanted to eat at the wedding, I never responded. So she did the next best thing, she hunted me down on Facebook and sent me friend invites in hope to gather the information from myself or someone on my friends list. It got to the point that she was sending me a few invites a day and I had to block her on Facebook. Then to top it off Beavis started sending me emails.

Then it happened, she sent the invitations to my place of employment. When I was given mine I looked at the envelope and then looked up at the person giving me the invitation and said “Why” and then placed it in my garbage interment unit. It seems that this is not an action that people like to see. So the person handing them out was in aww and just walked away.

So the day before the wedding, when everything is paid for, everything is planned out to the T, and her family has flown in from all over…he calls off the wedding. Jabba is devastated. She cancels her Facebook account; she cuts off all communications with people outside of her family. She has completely shut herself down.

Play for full effect of sadness

—

Word finds its way to the office and we are all told that the wedding is off. Everyone is a little sad that this has happen so close to the wedding date, even myself. I could not understand why anyone would do this to someone but I am sure he has his reasons but I was unsure of why. A few days go by and I receive an IM from Jabba. I asked her how she was and how she was holding up. She tells me that she is having a hard time dealing with all of this but she will make it through this and it will make her stronger, or some shit like that. I ask her why Beavis did this and she told me that it was due to his psycho mom feeding his head with lies about marriage and this scared him so he called it off.

The next day Jabba comes into the office with food that was meant for the wedding and sits down to talk with some of us. Jabba goes on to tell her sad, sad story and how he hurt her and how bad of a person Beavis is. Everyone in the office just feels bad for her and hates Beavis for what he has done. Jabba also starts up her Facebook account and starts her pity party.

The other day she happens to stop by the office to chat with some of us. Jabba stops by my little area and we start talking about how she is doing. Jabba tells me that she has moved back in with her parents and is still looking for a new job. Jabba then goes on to tell me how no one wants to date her and blah blah blah. I kind of black out from not caring when my boss walks into the office and starts to question why she is even here. My boss goes on to ask her if she is still seeing Beavis. Jabba responds with “not really, we still talk though”. We then give her shit about even talking with the little fucker and she plays it off.

I had a feeling that she was hiding something about Beavis and herself but was not sure what it was so I waited until my boss took off and started questioning her. Lucky for me she is about as smart as a fucking rock and it did not take me long to find out her little secret.

Jabba: You have to promises not tell anyone.

m!Lk: Who am I going to tell? The internet? Not like I have a website setup for me to tell stories about you or something…

Jabba: The reason why he left me a day before our wedding was because I slept with his brother.

m!Lk: I am sorry what?

Jabba: I slept with his brother…

m!Lk: Then you deserved what you got.

*Her body language and facial expressions go from “poor me” to “sock and aww”*

m!Lk: How could you just sleep with his brother?

Jabba: It just happened.

m!Lk: It just don’t “happen”, you where not bending over nude somewhere and he just fell in. I mean that has happened with half-breed and me, but I digress.

*At this point I am pissed and done with Jabba so I try to make her so uncomfortable that she leaves and Half-Breed picks up on this*

Half-Breed: Yea but only the tip.

m!Lk: Yea, we played just the tip but no shaft. Never the shaft…ever.

Jabba: I don’t know, it just happened.

m!Lk: Right, cool story.

Jabba: Ok, well I am going up stairs. I will see you both later.

m!Lk: Sure thing.

So this worthless increment of human waste went around playing this pity party for herself and making Beavis look like the bad guy when it was her doing that ending this wedding. Keep in mind I don’t like Beavis and I really, really think that he should have been a blow job but I feel bad for the kid. No one deserves that. So the moral of this story is that if you want to have kids, you should be forced to take an I.Q. test first. If this was put into place stuff like this would not happen.

Before I get into this story there are a few things you need to know about the CEO of the company I work for. The owner of the company (we will call him The Owner) is a real easy going person and seems to care about his employees. Everyday he comes in and does a walk around on the floor to see how everyone is doing . Now keep in mind he is the type of person you can walk up to and let him know how you feel about something and he will take it to heart and try to make it right, if the issues have cause. I have never seen this man mad about anything in the two years I have been here, and he has never been unwilling to lend you his ear. Now just because you can go to him about anything does not mean you should. I normally will not go to him about anything without going to my boss first. This is common sense for anyone or so I would think….

Its around 8am on a Monday morning and I am in a good mood but little did I know my day was about to get allot better. My boss walks up to me and says “Hey, did Beavis call you at all this weekend?”. Well it so happen Beavis did and it was over something stupid that he should have know how to deal with. Now some time has gone by and I forgot what the phone call was about but I told him he should know how to deal with something like this and that he was bothering me. I went ahead and told him how to deal with whatever the problem was and went on with my life. I told my boss this and he responded with “OK, well he called The Owner over the weekend asking him to come in on a Saturday to talk about employee relations. Have you been messing around with him at all that would have pissed him off?” I told him “Do you have to ask that?”. He then tasked me to try finding out what I could so we could get ready for what ever this dip-shit was about to try and pull.

So I started to IM Jabba to find out all I could about what was going on before Beavis came in the next day. Well Jabba would not give in so easily after a few minutes of asking, so I gave up and moved on with my life. Well the next day my Boss asked me if I had found out what was going on and I told him that I could not get anything out of her and that I was going to try again. So I sent Jabba a IM again asking her what happen. Well it went a little like this…

m!Lk: So why did Beavis call The Owner over the weekend?

Jabba: I told you I am not going to say

m!Lk: Oh come on, we want to know why he would call The Owner over the weekend and ask him to come in.

Jabba: I cant tell you, you will think its stupid.

m!Lk: As I am sure it is stupid but that is not the point here. I want to know why.

Jabba: You promise not to tell anyone?

m!Lk: Who would I tell?

Jabba: OK, but you cant laugh.

m!Lk: Oh this should be good.

Jabba: I don’t think I should tell you, Beavis will get mad.

m!Lk: Who gives a shit, tell me.

Jabba: Beavis had….you sure your not going to say anything?

m!Lk: Dear god woman tell me.

Jabba: Fine, Beavis had a bad Dream and called The Owner to come in and talk about it.

m!Lk: Your shitting me right?

Jadda: Nope

At this point I am in tears, everyone in the office could hear me laughing. I was laughing so hard I got lightheaded and about passed out.

Jabba: OMG. shut up. You said you would not laugh.

m!Lk: How could I not, he asked The Owner…the CEO of this company to come in on a weekend to talk about a fucking dream. Do you not see the problem here?

Jabba: No, I think he should talk to him about this.

m!Lk: Right…anyway what was the dream about?

Keep in mind I am still laughing over this and my boss pipes up and comes over and asked me what is going on. I point to my screen and have him read what was said. He has to stop himself from laughing and just walks away and runs outside.

Jabba: No, I am not telling you. You will think its stupid.

m!Lk: More stupid than what I think it is now?

Jabba: I have to get back to work now.

So I walk outside and my boss is on the phone with his wife telling her about this and tells me to come over to him.

Boss: Did she tell you what the dream was about yet?

m!Lk: No, I think I pissed her off.

Beavis pulls up into the parking lot

Boss: Say nothing, and quit laughing damn it, he is here. No really stop.

m!Lk: I don’t think I can.

Boss: Hurry go back inside I don’t need him to see you laughing like this.

So Beavis comes in and sits down and I am in tears. It is taking everything I have in me to not bust out laughing at him. Well he just happens to see me laughing and starts laughing with me and then asked me what is so funny. I tell him it was some stupid joke someone told me then got up and left my desk. I go to the bathroom and pull myself together and walk back to my desk. Well my boss walks up taps me on the shoulder and points outside. So I get up and go outside with him. Now one more thing you need to know about The Owner, he always parks in the back of the building. I have never seen him park up front since I have been there, and my boss has never seen him park up front since he has been there (My boss has been there a long ass time).

Boss: I called The Owner and told him the reason Beavis called him over the weekend.

m!Lk: What did he say.

Boss: I can’t tell you that.

m!Lk: That good huh?

Boss: Anyway The Owner is here right now but do you see his car?

m!Lk: No I don’t, where did he park?

Boss: He parked up front then sneaked into his office and shut the door so no one would know he was here.

m!Lk: *Laughs* He is hiding from him?

Boss: *Laughs* Yea, he is. Have you found out what the dream was about?

m!Lk: Not yet let me go find out.

So I walk back to my desk and start IMing Jabba trying to find out what the dream was about.

m!Lk: Hey, I have to know what the dream was about. Tell me please.

Jabba: No

m!Lk: Oh come on you can tell me.

Jabba: OK, but you cant laugh this time he is here and I don’t want him to find out.

m!Lk: OK, no laughing.

Jabba: He had a bad dream about your boss and my boss firing him and he wanted to talk to The Owner about it. He felt that it was a sign of bad luck and wanted to make sure he was not going to be fired.

I start laughing again

m!Lk: Wow, was he dropped allot?

Jabba: That’s not nice, but yes he is not that bright.

m!Lk: I think I would use a lot stronger word than that.

I am still laughing. Beavis turns around after he got off the phone and once again starts laughing with me and asked me what I was laughing about. I told him it was the same joke I was laughing at before and I would tell him later.

Jabba: Stop laughing he is going to find out.

I walk over to my boss and whispered this in his ear…

m!Lk: He had a dream that you and the VP of sales got together and fired him.

Boss: You have to be joking me.

m!Lk: I think we need to fire him right now, the little fucker is physic.

He then placed his head on the desk and started to laugh

Now I don’t know if they ever talked about it or not. I just know that day The Owner did not make his normal rounds to everyone and ask them how they were. Now that I think about it I did not see him for about a week.  I do know Beavis got up and went to The Owner’s office and would come back and ask me if I had seem The Owner and I would just tell him no. I don’t know what part of his brain told him that it would be a good idea to ask the CEO of the company to come in on a Saturday to talk about a dream but all I know is it takes brass balls or a very low IQ to pull a stunt like that.

Update: Was just told from an undisclosed individual that it was demons in the building that were influencing them to fire him.

I was looking for a email I wanted to post to one of the story’s that I am in the processes of writing when I came across this little gem that Jabba had sent to me when I was training her how to use some of the programs we use and to help her setup Outlook. Well this is the email she had sent to me asking if she could use this signature for her emails. Keep in mind she has to send emails to some of our biggest clients to give them status updates on what ever they have requested us to do for them.

*Note: Yes this really is the email she sent to me but I had to change names and hide some information you don’t need to know….*

and this is why you dont drop your babys....

If you can not tell, the little things are cats, yes cats. The dumb-ass wanted to put little cats in a professional email that our clients would see. I told her “no, I do not think that would be a good idea” and she asked me “why”. I then told her to talk to her boss about it and that was the last I ever heard anything about it and she has been using the company provided signature since then.

Here are a few things that were said to me over the last few days by Beavis and Jabba and Army.

Beavis: Hay m!Lk, we should go out mudding in your Jeep.

m!Lk: No

Beavis: ahh why not. The wheels are round and bouncy like rubber.

m!Lk: Like rubber?

————————————————————————————-

Beavis: Monkeys are awesome!

Jabba: Yea, monkeys have brown eyes like me!

m!Lk: Wow

————————————————————————————

One of our  IT admins (We will call her Boots)walked around and setup a new rule to lock or screens after 15mins of no activity so we would have to re-log back in, now keep in mind Beavis and myself both worth in IT and this is what he said….

Beavis: Why are they doing this?

m!Lk: People are stupid and leaving their PCs unlocked over night.

Beavis: So?

m!Lk: Well, there is information that we don’t want people to get their hands on.

Beavis: Oh, so what happens after 15mins?

m!Lk: Really…..? Okay never-mind. It will lock your PC and you will have to re-log in.

Beavis: Oh, so what password do I use?

m!Lk: Wow, ummm go ask Boots.

Beavis: OK.

15mins Later….

Beavis: Boots told me to go away. So what password do I use? The one I normally use?

m!Lk: *laughs* Yea, that would be the one.

Beavis: Oh

————————————————————————————

OK I come in on Sunday to work my shift and find that it is a little hot over in our work area. I look up at the vent and find that Beavis had put tape over the air duck. So I ripped it down and left it on his desk. Well a few days later I get to have this conversation….

Jabba: Was it hot over the weekend m!Lk?

*Keep in mind I am working on a project and are balls deep into it so I don’t really put two and two together*

m!Lk: Yea I guess.

Jabba: Well, I saw that you took down the tap over the air vent. You know Beavis gets really cold over here and gets sick.

m!Lk: And I should care because?

Jadda: Well someone is in a grumpy mode.

m!Lk: No your just bothering me with things I don’t care about. That air duck supplies air to this area and I don’t see why we have to suffer because he “gets sick”.

Jadda: I will just go tell the owner of the company then.

Yep she went to go tattle on me.

———————————————————————————–

OK let me tell you a little bit about Army. He is ex-Army (as I am sure you could guess by the name), he is normally a really nice guy and I talk to him just about every day. Now he tells me stories about what Beavis says to him and how stupid he is. This one has to be the best one he has told me. Oh and on a side note you will need to know he is black or you will not get the last part of it.

Army: Yea, something is wrong with that boy.

m!Lk: You have no idea.

Army: Oh did I tell you he asked me if I had a monkey?

m!Lk: *laugh* What?

Army: Yea, he said he had some bananas for it.

m!Lk: *laugh* WTF, I would have pulled the race card on that.

Jabba: Hay Beavis, we should go skydiving.

Beavis: Yea, I have done it and it was allot of fun.

Jabba: We should plan out a weekend and go. Maybe we can even take m!Lk. Hay m!Lk, you want to go skydiving with us?

m!Lk: Will both of you be wearing a working parachute?

Beavis: *Laughs* Well yea.

m!Lk: Then no…

Jabba: That’s not very nice.

And yet another attempt to let them know just how much I hate both of them and yet they still don’t get it.

The one joy about sitting next to Beavis is that he provides hours of entertainment. The questions and phrases that have come out of this kids mouth are pure gold. The story I am about to tell you is just one of those pure gold moments that had me in tears.

Now he comes up with allot of questions most of them are just about as stupid as the next. Some are so bad that I just want to go back into time when his Neanderthal parents were making hot sexy caveman sex and his dad is about to pimp club his mom in the head and I just up junk punch him in the taint so maybe….just maybe that would make this little fucker smarter. So I am sitting there working on what ever random thing I needed to complete when he says this…

Beavis: Hay, why are all the Popes so old?

m!Lk: ….really?

Beavis: Yea, why are they all so old?

Now I was raised Catholic so I know most of all this crap but I just did not want to go into it with him and spend the next hour of my life that I would never get back trying to explain the reasoning for it. Now anyone with a IQ higher than what you would find in a fucking rock could put two and two together and find the answer, but not Beavis.

m!Lk: Go goggle it or something.

Beavis: Do you want me to google it because you dont know?

m!Lk: No, I just dont feel like explaing it to you for the next hour and waste my life.

Beavis: Hehe, your funny. We should go camping some time.

m!Lk:….right…

30 minutes later…

Beavis: Hay m!Lk, I know why all the Popes are so old….they all have gray hair.

After laughing for a good five minutes I replied with this…

m!Lk: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Beavis: Nothing.

/palmforehead

m!Lk: Well the good news is that your close to the answer but not quite there.

Beavis: Well I was reading something on how you become the Pope and that’s what it said.

m!Lk: Did you read all of it?

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: And that’s what you took away from off of it…

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: Did you google “how to become a Pope”?

This is the very first thing that came up when I googled “how to become the pope”  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1547/how-does-one-become-pope.

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: Wow, okay that’s just amazing. Okay listen up JR, there are allot of steps that one must take in order for you to even be up for Pope. We are talking years and years of one persons life to even have a shot at being voted in.

Beavis: Oh OK, I see what they were talking about now. Yea I get it now.

m!Lk: …..

I am not sure what the fuck he was reading and how the fuck he took away “gray hair” out of it but he did. I was about in tears when he said it and he was laughing with me as I am dying in laughter. I was not sure if he had a full understanding of how to become the Pope so I made him a easy to read chart.

Now I did not write this but I sure think about it every day.

40 Things You’d love to Say Out loud at Work

“1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I’m out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here – I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision – I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
39. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute – I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality”

I was sitting at my desk when BigL comes up with a package in hand, the package is around 2ish feet long by a half a foot wide. I asked him who it was for and he tells me it is for Beavis, so I asked him if he knew what it was and he told me he had no idea. BigL then acts like he is going to brake it over his knee and we both have a good laugh about it and then he sets it on Beavis dirty ass desk and leaves. At this point I don’t really think anything about it because I would have to care about the little shit in order to do that. Well at some point Beavis comes in and opens the package, once again no idea what it was due to me not caring if he lives or dies.

Everyday I have to clock in using a 1970 time stamp device that is sitting on his desk, normally disregarding everything else. However on this day, I clock in like normal, but happen to see a back scratcher laying on his desk. Now this back scratcher looked to have been usered, it was dirty, it had missing wood in some places, it also had scuff marks all over it, someone had used this before. I picked the thing up and it looks used and dirty and all I could think was “How the fuck are you going to bring a back scratcher to work. Can you really get that scratchy at work were you feel the need to bring a back scratcher?”. Well at that time my boss comes in and looks at the back scratcher and says the same thing I just said but without all the cursing. He then picked up the package that was laying on Beavis desk, the one that BigL delivered. The top was ripped open and nothing inside. This was the conversation that followed:

Boss: Any idea what was in here?

*I am looking at the back scratcher*

m!Lk: None

*My boss is still looking at the package*

Boss: Well, its from Ebay. Wonder what it was.

*My Boss is now looking at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself are now both looking at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself are now looking at the package*

*My Boss and myself turn back to look at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself  turn back to look at the package*

*I put the back scratcher inside the package, its a perfect fit (Note the photo below is the only one I have with both of them togather, deal with it)*

m!Lk: You have to be fucking joking me.

*My Boss drops the package to the floor and then looks at me*

Boss: Please tell me this kid did not buy a back scratcher off eBay.

m!Lk: You hired him not me.

*My Boss walks away*

*I laugh*

So this dip shit not only got a back scratcher off eBay he got a USED back scratcher off eBay. So from the time this fucker got it to this very day he uses it…allot. He will sit his ass in his chair and scratch himself all over with this thing. I don’t know if he does not shower or he has some type of skin disease (Please let it be deadly) or what his deal is.  It does however give me a reason to spend some quality time with my boss with a little game I like to call “rubbing my bosses ear with the dirty back scatcher”. Call me crazy but I don’t think he likes it.

*I am sitting at my desk not saying a word, then this happens*

Beavis: Hay m!Lk

*Ahhh fuck now what…*

m!Lk: Yes Beavis?

Beavis: Did you ever get picked on in high school?

m!Lk: I am sorry what?

Beavis: You know in high school did kids pick on you?

m!Lk: No, I was not a loser in high school. Why do you ask?

Beavis: Well i got picked on allot in high school.

*At this point I am holding back what I really want to say which is “Was it because you’re a fucking moron?“*

m!Lk: Wow, that’s great.

*I then turn around in hopes that he stops talking. In my case, no such luck.*

Beavis: Yea, they picked on me allot because I was a really big nerd.

m!Lk: That’s nice….

Now I tell you this for one of two reasons. One being that he is a fucking moron and two he called himself a nerd. Now this is the definition of a “Nerd”…

1. A foolish, inept, or unattractive person
2. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

Now he thinks he was a nerd due to him being smart….well we all know that is out the window seeing how he is about as smart as Corky from “Life Goes On”. So I am guessing they picked on the little cock sucker due to him being a fucking moron and he is just to stupid to pick up on that. Oh and I think I found Beavis rock band. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY

This story is not a full word for word. It’s not that I don’t remember what was said it’s the fact that I was blacking out when they were talking and only came in and out of my own little world on some key words that I unfortunately happen to hear.

Jabba: Hay Beavis

*I start blacking out*

Beavis: …I am stupid…Waste of life…

Jabba: …Care bears…I love them…you know?

Beavis: Yea me too that’s why I love them too…furry

Jabba: I just…so I can feel the fur on me.

Beavis: We should totally…Halloween

*at this point I come out of my world then I started to put the missing words in place*

Jabba: That is a great idea; we should dress up as Care Bears for Halloween. I think it would be cute.

Beavis: *laughs* Yea I am sure we could find some costumes our size somewhere and go trick or treating. It sounds like fun!

*yep not a miss-read, fucking Care bears*

Jabba: We could come to work dressed in our Care Bear costumes and we could both hug m!Lk together.

*I turn around and look at both of them as they stare back at me both with grins that just scream I am a waste of air*

m!Lk: I swear to god, if any of you touch me I will set your ass on fire and watch you scream as you burn to death.

*at this point the grin from their face is gone and is quickly replaced with both of their jaws dropped and the look of holy shit, did he just say that.*

What made this even better is that I had a blank stare on my face and did not stop looking at both of them until Jabba just walked away and Beavis turned around. The pure satisfaction I got from the look on both of their faces was priceless. They never did buy the Care Bear costumes and I from what I overheard from their daily high school flirting conversations is that they spent it together watching High School Musical or some shit. Anyway here is a photo of what they may have looked like if they had dressed up as the Care Bears. Enjoy.