There is a BassPro Shop that has been open for around a year now. I have never been inside of this place due to the fact I have never needed a reason to. Well this weekend that changed and I was on the hunt for a spill proof coffee cup. Now I am sure you are asking yourself why I would need such a thing, and I will happily answer that question. The company I work for has moved all of the IT department to a new building that is more friendly for a NOC (Network Operation Center) environment. They seem to think that we are all little kids and have a hard time not knocking over our drinks like some little 5 year old kid hyped up on sugar. So they have requested that all drinks be in spill proof cups or as I like to call them adult sippy cups. Well I have been searching for one for a few weeks now so I can drink my coffee in the morning so I don’t  tell customers how much I would like to pull them through the phone and beat them with my adult sippy cup.

So I have been to all the normal places to look for one but have yet to find anything remotely like what I want. So the wife tells me we should stop by BassPro shop and look, seeing how they have a ton of camping gear they may have something I am looking for. We pull up to this big ass building that looks like a log cabin and get out of the car. As we start to walk down the sidewalk to the door, I look down to see animal tracks in the cement of the sidewalk. This is where I should have stopped and turned around and went home but no, lord no my dumb-ass keeps walking and like a blabbering moron I start naming off the animal tracks I see. We walk in and it was like redneck heaven, deer hunting crap every where, deer heads on the wall, fishing gear out the ass, mounted bass on the wall, fake animal tracks all over the floor and in the back was a big ass fish tank with all kinds of fish in it.

The first thing my wife says is “you should try the fudge here its really good” so we head over to the little food store they have there and it had all kinds of odd shit but the one thing that made me stop and ask  “why?” was some of Jeff Foxworthy’s BBQ marinade sauce. I shit you not, they had this crap in stock. So if you love Jeff Foxworthy’s comedy you will love his marinade sauce… Anyway so we get some fudge and I get some of this salsa they had and we continue to walk around BassPro Shop. We start to walk past this fish tank and there is a family of what I would think to have been inbred rednecks standing in aww at this big fish tank. All I could think was this was a family outing for them and it was a big deal going to the near by BassPro Shop. So I am only guessing the day started off like this for them:

Redneck Dad: Hay yeh, you wants to go to that there BassPro shop and stare at the magic window that holds fish in? Pa needs him some new deer piss in a bottle anyway.

Redneck Kid1: I sure would Pa

Redneck Kid2: Ye-ha Pa I will round up the others

Redneck Ki3: Sounds good Pa

Redneck Kid4: Ye-ha

Redneck Kid5: Idiocracy was a movie about our life

Reneck Kid6: I will tell Ant-Ma

Reneck Kid7: Sounds delightful father (The smart one)

Reneck Kid8: gargle gargle gargle (The inbred kid that went wrong)

Redneck Kid9: Me go, me like, you no like me when me angry

Then I am sure it was like a scene out of the Beverly Hillbillies with granny in tow.

So we walk up the stairs where they had all the camping gear at and they had a laser rifle range setup to look like you were hunting and you can shoot at fake deer, rabbits, wolfs and all kinds of other animals. People where standing around shooting at things that did not move and blow air out of some random hole in the animal once you hit them. We walked passed one redneck family and the husband is explaining to the wife/sister on how to hunt and shoot the fake animals…really? They do not move and on top of that they are fake, how much explanation do you need? Point, pull, watch it blow air out of its ass and call it a day, thats it.

Well we moved on to the coffee cups and like normal they don’t have anything like what I want so I ask one of their floor sales men if they have anymore stock of coffee cups in the store and all he could say was “Oh, I dont know. I only know shoes.” It seems knowing anything other than shoes was way to much of a task for his brain to grasp. So we head down to leave the store and all I could think was this is my hell, if I die tomorrow and go to hell (like everyone tells me I will) I would get stuck in a BassPro Shop for all of eternity and they will play nothing but country music over the PA and I will slowly slip into madness.

Okay, here is some information you will need to know before I tell this story about Clindos. First off he is around 6’5 330lbs of “dear god please don’t rape me”. As you can tell he is a vary large guy, me on the other hand am around 6 feet 240ish, so I am not a small guy just not as big as Clindos. Well as you can tell from my past story’s I like to fuck around with everyone, even more so with my friends.

Okay, with that out of the way let me tell you about his personalty. He is a good hearted guy, who cares about everyone…he thinks he is a fucking druid or something. I have only seen this guy really pissed off once in the 3 or so years I have been hanging around with him. Also I think he is borderline gay.

Vince, Clindos, and myself all go to some place called Cheddars to get some food and grab some beers before we head back to class. Vince orders a Budweiser, I order a Corona and Clindos orders an Apple Martini. Well 2mins later the waiter comes back with our beers but tells Clindos that the bartender is “putting the finishing touches” on his drink and the waiter walks away. Clindos then reports to us that this place makes really good Apple Martini’s but he thinks the bartender is gay. As I am sure you guessed by now Vince and myself are making fun of Clindos on how gay he is. Well finally the bartender came over with his drink. Now let me stop here to describe the bartender. He looked like a cross from “The Crying Game” and “Brokeback Mountain” (I have never seen Brokeback Mountain but Clindos has and he said it was a “Touching Movie”. Now The Crying Game I will have to go into another time).

The bartender looks at Clindos and says “Do you like your Appletini’s sweet?”. Clindos response with “Yes I do, why?”, then the bartender licks the rim of the glass and says “there now its sweet”. Vince and myself are at a lost of words, how you could do something like that to someone that is this big and looks like he could pick you up and yell “Clindos smash” and then end your life. Now at this point we are thinking Clindos is about to go nuts and just are kicking the shit out of this clown but he doesn’t, he says thank you and drinks it. We asked him why he would drink it after someone just licked the rim of his drink and Clindos says “he seemed like a nice guy and I wanted my Appletini”.

Now Clindos likes to play it off like this never happen but I like to tell this story to random people we meet, I get the feeling by the death treats I receive from him that he does not like it when I do that.

m!Lk: Hay, you know this guy let a gay dude lick the rim of his Appletini?

Random Person: What?

m!Lk: Yea, some random flaming gay bartender asked him if he liked his Appletinis sweet then licked the rim of the glass and this big fuck drank it.

Clindos: I will end you m!Lk.

m!Lk: What if I had a Appletine and licked the rim would you drink it and let me live?

Clindos: I hate you.

*On a side note, I have no problem with homosexuals and I feel the same way about them as I feel about black people. You should have at least one who is your friend so you can always say “oh yea I got nothing on (insert race and or sexuality here), one of my best friends is (insert race and or sexuality here)”.*

Okay, Watch this first. If your at work it may be a good idea not to have your volume way up like a moron and play this…for those who don’t get my sense humor, the bad men say bad words like fuck and shit and other fun words for people to use at their next dysfunctional family reunion.

Okay, now that you have watched this great video, here is the story on why I had you watch it first…well if you did not watch it first you would have no idea what the fuck I was talking about and would then be lost, so quit bitching.

I am in the kitchen making myself a white taco (also known as a sandwich) and the house is really quite due to the fact that my son and father-in-law are both still asleep. Well my wife walks in to make her cup-o-coffee and as she turns the corner I turn around at her and grabbed my crotch and scream “I’m on a boat mother fucker I’m on a boat”. She then stops and looks at me and says “what the fuck is wrong with you” and I reply to her stupid ass question (its stupid because she knows whats wrong with me…ooooh she knows) “I’m on a boat nigga, yea that’s whats up”. Oh did I drop the N word? Yes I did son. Why did I drop the N word? Well there where no black people in my house, that I know of that’s why, oh and I have a black friend so its cool. She then starts talking again but at this point I black out and don’t hear a word she says at this point and all I can hear is the sound of dancing unicorns and baby’s crying. I will summon up what she said with what she normally says. Its kind of like what my mom used to tell me when I was young “I wish I never had you” but my wife’s reply was along the lines “Why did I marry you”. I die a little inside each time she says it.

P.S. I fucked a mermaid