So BigL has been telling me about this stuff called Bacon Salt. Well when he told me about it at first I started to laugh, I did not think anyone in their right mind would make such a thing. I mean this is a fat mans wet dream, bacon + salt are you joking me? Where the hell do I sign up for my heart-attack? Well today he puts this little package of Bacon Salt on my desk and no shit this stuff is real. So I went to there website to see what all they make and get this shit, they make something called Baconnaise. Yep you guessed it Bacon + Mayonnaise. Now this is a true sad moment in my life when I saw this, are we such fat asses that we really need shit that taste like bacon? I vote yes! Fuck you, Bacon is awesome!

The one joy about sitting next to Beavis is that he provides hours of entertainment. The questions and phrases that have come out of this kids mouth are pure gold. The story I am about to tell you is just one of those pure gold moments that had me in tears.

Now he comes up with allot of questions most of them are just about as stupid as the next. Some are so bad that I just want to go back into time when his Neanderthal parents were making hot sexy caveman sex and his dad is about to pimp club his mom in the head and I just up junk punch him in the taint so maybe….just maybe that would make this little fucker smarter. So I am sitting there working on what ever random thing I needed to complete when he says this…

Beavis: Hay, why are all the Popes so old?

m!Lk: ….really?

Beavis: Yea, why are they all so old?

Now I was raised Catholic so I know most of all this crap but I just did not want to go into it with him and spend the next hour of my life that I would never get back trying to explain the reasoning for it. Now anyone with a IQ higher than what you would find in a fucking rock could put two and two together and find the answer, but not Beavis.

m!Lk: Go goggle it or something.

Beavis: Do you want me to google it because you dont know?

m!Lk: No, I just dont feel like explaing it to you for the next hour and waste my life.

Beavis: Hehe, your funny. We should go camping some time.

m!Lk:….right…

30 minutes later…

Beavis: Hay m!Lk, I know why all the Popes are so old….they all have gray hair.

After laughing for a good five minutes I replied with this…

m!Lk: What the fuck is wrong with you?

Beavis: Nothing.

/palmforehead

m!Lk: Well the good news is that your close to the answer but not quite there.

Beavis: Well I was reading something on how you become the Pope and that’s what it said.

m!Lk: Did you read all of it?

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: And that’s what you took away from off of it…

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: Did you google “how to become a Pope”?

This is the very first thing that came up when I googled “how to become the pope”  http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1547/how-does-one-become-pope.

Beavis: Yep.

m!Lk: Wow, okay that’s just amazing. Okay listen up JR, there are allot of steps that one must take in order for you to even be up for Pope. We are talking years and years of one persons life to even have a shot at being voted in.

Beavis: Oh OK, I see what they were talking about now. Yea I get it now.

m!Lk: …..

I am not sure what the fuck he was reading and how the fuck he took away “gray hair” out of it but he did. I was about in tears when he said it and he was laughing with me as I am dying in laughter. I was not sure if he had a full understanding of how to become the Pope so I made him a easy to read chart.

Well I was going to finish up some of the storys I have but it seems like all the stupid people who have little to no idea how to use a computer wanted to call me today and have me hold their hand and show them that computers are not the end of the world and if you fuck up it will not eat your kids…that would be kind of cool and all but not going to happen.

Computer NO...put the baby down...I said NO!!!

No I have not “abandoned” the site, I have a few story’s in the works and I should be done with them soon and start posting them. On top of that I have allot of stuff going on in my life that taken away some of my time from trying to finish the story’s I have been working on. So don’t worry there are many more story’s on the way.

Okay, Watch this first. If your at work it may be a good idea not to have your volume way up like a moron and play this…for those who don’t get my sense humor, the bad men say bad words like fuck and shit and other fun words for people to use at their next dysfunctional family reunion.

Okay, now that you have watched this great video, here is the story on why I had you watch it first…well if you did not watch it first you would have no idea what the fuck I was talking about and would then be lost, so quit bitching.

I am in the kitchen making myself a white taco (also known as a sandwich) and the house is really quite due to the fact that my son and father-in-law are both still asleep. Well my wife walks in to make her cup-o-coffee and as she turns the corner I turn around at her and grabbed my crotch and scream “I’m on a boat mother fucker I’m on a boat”. She then stops and looks at me and says “what the fuck is wrong with you” and I reply to her stupid ass question (its stupid because she knows whats wrong with me…ooooh she knows) “I’m on a boat nigga, yea that’s whats up”. Oh did I drop the N word? Yes I did son. Why did I drop the N word? Well there where no black people in my house, that I know of that’s why, oh and I have a black friend so its cool. She then starts talking again but at this point I black out and don’t hear a word she says at this point and all I can hear is the sound of dancing unicorns and baby’s crying. I will summon up what she said with what she normally says. Its kind of like what my mom used to tell me when I was young “I wish I never had you” but my wife’s reply was along the lines “Why did I marry you”. I die a little inside each time she says it.

P.S. I fucked a mermaid

Now I did not write this but I sure think about it every day.

40 Things You’d love to Say Out loud at Work

“1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to publicly humiliate yourself.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
7. I’m out of my mind at the moment, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don’t work here – I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I don’t understand a damn word you’re saying.
10. Ahhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision – I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of karma to burn.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny assed opinion would be?
24. Do I look like a f..king people person to you?
25. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. Oh, I get it. Like humor. Only different.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without the door.
33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume, but must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic and disorder – my work here is finally done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to kill.
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary
39. I’ll try being nicer if you try being smarter.
40. Wait a minute – I’m just trying to imagine you with a personality”

I was sitting at my desk when BigL comes up with a package in hand, the package is around 2ish feet long by a half a foot wide. I asked him who it was for and he tells me it is for Beavis, so I asked him if he knew what it was and he told me he had no idea. BigL then acts like he is going to brake it over his knee and we both have a good laugh about it and then he sets it on Beavis dirty ass desk and leaves. At this point I don’t really think anything about it because I would have to care about the little shit in order to do that. Well at some point Beavis comes in and opens the package, once again no idea what it was due to me not caring if he lives or dies.

Everyday I have to clock in using a 1970 time stamp device that is sitting on his desk, normally disregarding everything else. However on this day, I clock in like normal, but happen to see a back scratcher laying on his desk. Now this back scratcher looked to have been usered, it was dirty, it had missing wood in some places, it also had scuff marks all over it, someone had used this before. I picked the thing up and it looks used and dirty and all I could think was “How the fuck are you going to bring a back scratcher to work. Can you really get that scratchy at work were you feel the need to bring a back scratcher?”. Well at that time my boss comes in and looks at the back scratcher and says the same thing I just said but without all the cursing. He then picked up the package that was laying on Beavis desk, the one that BigL delivered. The top was ripped open and nothing inside. This was the conversation that followed:

Boss: Any idea what was in here?

*I am looking at the back scratcher*

m!Lk: None

*My boss is still looking at the package*

Boss: Well, its from Ebay. Wonder what it was.

*My Boss is now looking at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself are now both looking at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself are now looking at the package*

*My Boss and myself turn back to look at the back scratcher*

*My Boss and myself  turn back to look at the package*

*I put the back scratcher inside the package, its a perfect fit (Note the photo below is the only one I have with both of them togather, deal with it)*

m!Lk: You have to be fucking joking me.

*My Boss drops the package to the floor and then looks at me*

Boss: Please tell me this kid did not buy a back scratcher off eBay.

m!Lk: You hired him not me.

*My Boss walks away*

*I laugh*

So this dip shit not only got a back scratcher off eBay he got a USED back scratcher off eBay. So from the time this fucker got it to this very day he uses it…allot. He will sit his ass in his chair and scratch himself all over with this thing. I don’t know if he does not shower or he has some type of skin disease (Please let it be deadly) or what his deal is.  It does however give me a reason to spend some quality time with my boss with a little game I like to call “rubbing my bosses ear with the dirty back scatcher”. Call me crazy but I don’t think he likes it.

*I am sitting at my desk not saying a word, then this happens*

Beavis: Hay m!Lk

*Ahhh fuck now what…*

m!Lk: Yes Beavis?

Beavis: Did you ever get picked on in high school?

m!Lk: I am sorry what?

Beavis: You know in high school did kids pick on you?

m!Lk: No, I was not a loser in high school. Why do you ask?

Beavis: Well i got picked on allot in high school.

*At this point I am holding back what I really want to say which is “Was it because you’re a fucking moron?“*

m!Lk: Wow, that’s great.

*I then turn around in hopes that he stops talking. In my case, no such luck.*

Beavis: Yea, they picked on me allot because I was a really big nerd.

m!Lk: That’s nice….

Now I tell you this for one of two reasons. One being that he is a fucking moron and two he called himself a nerd. Now this is the definition of a “Nerd”…

1. A foolish, inept, or unattractive person
2. A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific or technical pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.

Now he thinks he was a nerd due to him being smart….well we all know that is out the window seeing how he is about as smart as Corky from “Life Goes On”. So I am guessing they picked on the little cock sucker due to him being a fucking moron and he is just to stupid to pick up on that. Oh and I think I found Beavis rock band. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9aJFSpkxjtY

This story is not a full word for word. It’s not that I don’t remember what was said it’s the fact that I was blacking out when they were talking and only came in and out of my own little world on some key words that I unfortunately happen to hear.

Jabba: Hay Beavis

*I start blacking out*

Beavis: …I am stupid…Waste of life…

Jabba: …Care bears…I love them…you know?

Beavis: Yea me too that’s why I love them too…furry

Jabba: I just…so I can feel the fur on me.

Beavis: We should totally…Halloween

*at this point I come out of my world then I started to put the missing words in place*

Jabba: That is a great idea; we should dress up as Care Bears for Halloween. I think it would be cute.

Beavis: *laughs* Yea I am sure we could find some costumes our size somewhere and go trick or treating. It sounds like fun!

*yep not a miss-read, fucking Care bears*

Jabba: We could come to work dressed in our Care Bear costumes and we could both hug m!Lk together.

*I turn around and look at both of them as they stare back at me both with grins that just scream I am a waste of air*

m!Lk: I swear to god, if any of you touch me I will set your ass on fire and watch you scream as you burn to death.

*at this point the grin from their face is gone and is quickly replaced with both of their jaws dropped and the look of holy shit, did he just say that.*

What made this even better is that I had a blank stare on my face and did not stop looking at both of them until Jabba just walked away and Beavis turned around. The pure satisfaction I got from the look on both of their faces was priceless. They never did buy the Care Bear costumes and I from what I overheard from their daily high school flirting conversations is that they spent it together watching High School Musical or some shit. Anyway here is a photo of what they may have looked like if they had dressed up as the Care Bears. Enjoy.